All right bitches, it’s smackdown time! In this post, we will see how the man himself stacks up against the current presidential candidate pool.
Before we take a look at the challengers, let’s take a look at the tale of the tape for the champ!
Name: Chael Patrick Sonnen
Height: 6 ft 1 in
Record: 29-14-1 (MMA)
Now let’s take a look at the contenders!
Chael Sonnen Vs. Bernie Sanders
First up, the facts!
Name: Bernard “Bernie” Sanders
Height: 5 ft 11 in
Record: Consistently social democrat, 0-0-0 (MM A record)
Ok, first up in a 3 x 5 min MMA fight, Chael Sonnen might as well be fighting a five year old. While takedowns typically score ‘positional points’ as opposed to ‘damage points’ in an MMA bout (with high amplitude throws and slams being an exception of course), it is highly likely that a simple double leg takedown from Chael will result in Senator Sanders becoming Colonel Sanders (hint: he’s deceased). And that’s just grappling! Were we to include striking as well, let’s just say it’s not gonna be a pretty sight. Basically, Chael Sonnen takes his protein shakes daily (he should check out theproteininvestor.com for a good source) , while Senator Sanders needs to get more calcium in his diet.
MMA Winner: Chael Sonnen!
Ok let’s move on to policy. Senator Sanders is an avowed social democrat. His main political points are fighting wealth inequality, free higher education, universal health care, and more benefits for veterans. Worthy and noble causes to be sure, but let me ask you: how is this going to be paid for? You guessed it: higher taxes! That means winners such as Chael Sonnen, who busted their ass for a title shot, will have to distribute more of their winnings to fund those who can’t even exert the self-discipline to stop eating Doritos and Krispy Kreme while sitting on the couch playing with their Xbox!
Free higher education? Let’s face it, think about how dumb the average person is, and then remember that half of people are even dumber than that! Question: do we need dishwashers and garbage collectors with college degrees? What, is that philosophy major going to help you as you contemplate the meaning of existence as you repetitively scrub dishes over and over again next to an immigrant who can’t speak English. And you wonder, hmmmm, maybe I should have gotten Spanish degree instead.
More important question: WWCD aka What Would Chael Do? Well let’s apply the lessons of cagefighting to economic policies. Guess what? There are no ‘handouts’ in MMA, you lose three in a row, Dana gives you the fucking boot! There’s a thousand hungry prospects waiting to take your place and if you keep losing you’ll soon be out and forgotten (or on the WSOF). Law of the jungle, dog eat dog. In Chael’s world and the world of MMA: only the strong survive!
So, would you rather live in a world that makes you strong or makes you weak? Do you want America to be great or to be weak? Personally, I agree with Bernie on many of his policy points, but let there be no mistake: when it comes to being the leader of the free world, Chael is the man for the job!